19th
The Day I Learned To Let Go
I never thought losing a 7-weeks old foetus (or is it still called an embryo?) would affect me emotionally (i heard you saying “are u kidding me?”. am i not a sensitive woman?). Well, when the pregnancy test kit gave a confirmation on my pregnancy about a month ago, the pregnancy is still ‘just a concept’ to me. I was having flu & very bad cough throughout the month (& throughout our vacations). And going thru all that + knowing that i couldn’t take any medication + the nausea + i can smell evvvvverything*urgh*, i became so eager to scan as soon as i can, just to know/make sure whether am i really or not pregnant. My pregnancy was just in the 3rd week after we came back from Langkawi, so the scan only showed me the existence of an amniotic sac. No heartbeat detected yet. “It is still too early,” the obgyn said.
Meanwhile, i was silently excited with the prospect of getting pregnant…even more when some of my fav bloggers: heather & karen cheng are both pregnant now, ..just love reading their pregnancy journals! My uni-friends who got married the same year as i was are conceiving their #2 too, oh & not to forget, my mom seems to be ever-ready to take care of another grandchild! *lucky me i know!* ;) . However, at the same time, i read some heartbreaking news of pregnancy that didn’t get thru. A fellow blogger had a missed miscarriage (1st time heard of this term), & an MBW forumer had a molar pregnancy (1st time heard of this term too) — ‘pregnant with grapes’ as i conclude it.
The obgyn gave me a follow-up appointment on 14/1/2009 to see whether the pregnancy is viable, but i wouldn’t want to take a leave from the office. So i changed the date to Saturday-17/1/2009 so that hubby & Sarah can accompany me to the obgyn too. Between both dates, i had a great week. Nuyu informed me she received orders the first day i posted the Dripstik coupon— that cheered me up. At the same time, my nausea subsided- directly remembered my cousin’s wife who said her current pregnancy is more ‘relaxing’ than her first pregnancy, less vomiting that is. The day after, i got a call informing me that i got the landed quarters that i asked for, in the sought after neighbourhood (because the house is sparkling new! *duh*). I touched my belly & thought “Rezeki baby ni!!”. Hubby said the same thing to me, but i jokingly said to him, “hmm.. xtahu lagi for real whether there’s a baby or not!” just to make sure i didn’t keep my expectation too high … & the thought of ‘grapes pregnancy’ :\
Sarah, hubby & I woke unbelievable early on the appointment date, 5.30 am! Didn’t sleep back after Subuh prayer, so we had breakfast and getting ourselves ready for the appointment. I was feeling absolutely fine, quite confident actually, as i believed i’ve been a good girl (not taking any risky medication) and never had any bleeding/spotting. This is not my first time looking at the ultrasound screen, so nothing to be nervous about i thought!
When the obgyn move the probe around my belly, i could immediately see the nicely shaped foetus!!!! The first thing i remember about my first pregnancy scan with Sarah, i could hear her heartbeat really loud and really really fast. But this time, at that moment, I feel that my mind was consoling me uncontrollably because i couldn’t hear anything nor i can see any blinking spot at the foetus image. The obgyn took a while before she broke the silence “At this stage, you usually can see & hear the heartbeat. You can see here the foetus seemed to have developed. (while measuring the foetus…)..from the measurement…the foetus is 7-weeks old” she was still moving the probe around my belly, probably just a kind gesture for me who had not had a blink off the screen, still hoping for the magical heartbeat. She continued, “The heartbeat might have stopped about a week ago. I’m sorry dear, we can’t proceed with the pregnancy and i have to arrange you for a D&C on Monday morning”. My voice wasn’t trembling or anything, it just spluttered out to be one naive question ” Can we check again before the operation to see if there’s any heartbeat then?”. The obgyn just shook her head as in saying a “no”. I understood immediately that it meant this is the end of this pregnancy.
Obviously, a dead foetus wasn’t in my expectations. I was ready for either (a) good news: it’s a healthy 7-weeks foetus! , or (b) bad news: you’re pregnant with grapes, i’m sorry. Having successfully conceived and the pregnancy progressed but didn’t make it till about one week ago, was totally not in my expectation. My diagnosis was: missed miscarriage. Having heard of the term before, I was still, totally blanked.
Between the 17th and 19th January was filled with me & hubby pondering the situation. One by one i realized the things that just felt so wrong about the pregnancy. I realized there’re so many things we are not suppose to say or do or not do when i knew i had conveived. We realized Allah loves us for this. We knew the baby must be so special that He only lend us the baby for 7-weeks. The baby is really.really.special. And we imagined that we will meet the child that we never seen later in the hereafter. I had then slowly felt the loss. I hugged and kissed Sarah all the time hoping to cure the loss that i thought i would never feel.
Early morning today, 19th January 2009, i had my first ever operation procedure. After 2 days of sadness, today, I felt emotionally strong. However, i can’t think of anything to say to my baby before he/she’s out of my body. Maybe i don’t want to cry anymore. It IS God’s way and i must accept it by heart. I must let it go. As i was waiting for my turn at the OT unit, i was reciting Quranic verses non-stop. I felt so brave in the extremely cold OT.
I was discharged in the evening. Obgyn gave me the ‘product of conception’ . Eventhough obgyn convinced hubby it was just the ‘content’ of my womb, not the foetus, i still believe that they were the foetus, the placenta and the amniotic sac; it made me feel better believing that. Unlike childbirth, D&C is an operation; means i was on GA, thus i didn’t aware of what i went thru. Seeing the small sterilized jar with the ‘product’ of the operation certainly gave me some sort of relief as good as a relief after childbirth. I didn’t gain any ‘prize’ for this pregnancy, but i did feel better. Maybe i’ve learned to let go, at last.
And our super tiny ‘baby’ + his/her ‘friend’ : the placenta & everything in the sterilized jar was buried at Sarah’s opah house compound later in the evening.
Life goes on, but the past 7++ weeks were definitely a memorable period in our life.
